you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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