someone threw a dead crab at me
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
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