I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
Randomize
