Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
