It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
