dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
