Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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