and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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