I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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