so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
