I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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