Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
