I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
