Jerry, you need to find god
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
