I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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