I'm sorry my penis didn't work
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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