you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Terrible idea I love it
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
