Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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