So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
