Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
