I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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