He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
