Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
