i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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