i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
