I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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