hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Randomize
