Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
