on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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