Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
