so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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