the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
