My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.