Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
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We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
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I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.