Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
