K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.