I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
