So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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