Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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