i love accidental penises.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
