someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I wish I only lived at night.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
