she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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