Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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