I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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