My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
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I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
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Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
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