You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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