I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
