Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
