ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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