I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
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