I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
