if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
