Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Randomize
