dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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