I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
Randomize
