She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
