If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
