i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Is it morally objectionable to repay my debt to society with drug money?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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