apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
