At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
