Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
